Tuesday, October 29, 2013

The Difference

"I would like to write, next time, about the difference I found, in 2007, between American cigarettes and French/European cigarettes."  (Closing words of my post: "Becoming Aware" - January 29, 2013)

I'd been careful to explain, earlier in that post, "Becoming Aware," that "I was young; I didn't smoke" -- speaking of my life up to that point (late teens/early 20s).  I then went on to speak of my next ten years, during which I repeatedly became very sick from exposure to cigarette smoke.  I believed it went without saying that no one who was that sickened by other people's smoke would ever want to smoke.  In my mind, this was just a "given."  That "given" stretched to include my next decade, as well.

However, looking at my closing sentence of that post, last night, it suddenly dawned on me that, without further qualification as to what I meant, it could have sounded as though I'd taken up smoking in France.

Nothing could be further from the truth.  But I had an exceptionally pleasant surprise there.

It was an initially discouraging story with a very good ending.  We'd tried to rent a house in France which we were told contained no scented items -- a very difficult thing to ascertain over the phone.  Upon arriving at the given address, we found the house filled with scented candles.  Every room had a scent to it.  There was a brand-name aerosol deodorizer in the laundry room.  Layers and layers of scent were built into the inside of that house.  There was also plush carpeting -- this was not looking good.  I went outside and just waited to be driven away from there.

We ending up driving almost all night searching for a suitable hotel.  Finally, we came upon the only likely candidate.  There was one drawback, however:  It was a hotel which contained both smoking and non-smoking rooms.  The dining and social areas were partially smoked in; the hallways carried the odor of smoke.

We were told, however, that the room we were to occupy had always been smoke-free.  Still, this whole arrangement was scary to me.  I hadn't been in a smoked-in residence or restaurant in years.  We kept a window open, always, during our stay there.  Every time I left the room, I sped through the hallway holding my breath.  If the dining area smelled of active smoke at various times, I stopped eating, left the table, and went outside.  The usual routines for an MCS person.

On the streets of Paris, I encountered one whiff of smoke on top of another.  It was an almost constant stream of smoke -- even elderly ladies smoked.  Everybody smoked.

You put all that together and --

I didn't get a single migraine for the whole time I was there.  The only migraine I had was on the first day, after having been on a plane whose engine had poured jet-fuel fumes into our back-end seats for two hours on the runway -- and which also had a sound-buffer malfunction so that the engine noise became intolerable.  That was an understandable migraine.

I expected to get more migraines, with my being in a smokers' hotel and being surrounded by smokers everywhere on the city streets.  But "more migraines" never came.

Although I'd inhaled more than my usual share of cigarette emissions outdoors and cigarette odors indoors, something was profoundly different.

I had no cataclysmic neurological storm of head and face pain, no blurry/shaky vision, no balance difficulties or sensations of trembling.  All that I experienced, in reaction to all of those cigarettes and cigarette odors, was a stuffed nose.  It didn't affect my nervous system at all.

I tentatively concluded that the French cigarettes must have had significantly less harmful additives than our American cigarettes.  I never really looked up the topic, however, until last night.  Having glanced through a few items on the issue, I think I'm correct in my conclusion.

And, to recap -- I've never smoked a cigarette in my life.  The thought of a cloud of smoke hitting my lungs in a big "puff" has always been frightening to me.  I've always expected not to be able to breathe, and to be terrified. Then, once the smoke went in, I'd want to get it out -- not just the exhaled part, but all of it . . . every single fragment of particulate.  But you can't scrub a lung.

Cheers and good air to you --

~ Daisies

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

In the Course of Life

Hello, Friends,

I'm going to address a subject head-on which, for me up until now, has been a mere tangent -- something I simply don't think about as I live my life.  Due to a perceived need to address it in writing, however, I've recently attempted to do this in various ways elsewhere, but I want this post to be much more to the point.

For many years now, I've lived my life as a person with an accidental big belly.  What do I mean by "an accidental big belly"?  I refer to my large, pregnancy-related abdominal hernia (re: my first child), which was repaired loosely as opposed to tightly, specifically so that I'd be able to have more children afterwards.  After experiencing an early miscarriage a few years later, I was then privileged to carry my next child to term; and the large hernia was no hazard, no impediment.  I just had to wear some support.  Big deal.  That was nothing.

The whole thing is nothing to me, because along with it came the gift of my children.  I write this post not because I care to write about my hernia, but because I've sensed the concern of others regarding my physical condition, perhaps having seen it in YouTube videos and thinking it to have been an actual pregnancy.

The hernia occurred somewhere between late pregnancy, labor, and/or the C-section delivery of my first child.  The muscles overlaying the hernia, which is softball-sized in the middle of my belly, are widely separated and, technically speaking, in need of surgical repair.  But that repair was deliberately held off to accommodate the childbearing years.  If the muscles had been repaired as tightly as they would need to be, they would also have had to be shortened.  This means that they could have ripped apart in a pregnancy; or they could have remained tight and prevented the womb from expanding, thereby endangering the baby.

Add to that the perils of anesthesia, the length of the repair surgery, and the fright of, "What will this look like after they repair it?"  One never knows.  I could easily see myself wishing I had my own stretched-out muscles back following some kind of surgical disaster.  While I can muster up trust in the event of an absolutely necessary and inescapable surgery, I cannot do the same for a merely cosmetic surgery.  If ever the repair became medically necessary, that would be a different scenario and I would have to face it.  But it isn't that way now.

So I'm the lady with the big belly.  When I gain weight, the "pregnancy" shape of my figure looks even "further along" -- perhaps even "overdue."  I had terrible inflammation this past winter and spring, between thyroid trouble and then Lyme disease in the spring/summer.  In addition, the inactivity of feeling sick contributed, at the same time, to weight gain.  So I was huge.  I was startled to see myself in photos, in videos.

So, fairly recently, it came to my realization that there are those who have seen me in video clips and become concerned, realizing that I looked very pregnant in the winter but apparently have had no new baby.

There was no new baby because there was never any baby at all.  Whatever the YouTube videos have of me in them, none of them had a pregnant me in them.  What I was seen to be "carrying," in the exact shape of a pregnancy, was the bulk of my internal organs sliding forward.  There is no flattening them.  The damage is too great to contain behind any kind of support garment.  Support garments hurt and feel really weird on top of organs falling forward, all out of place.  It's unbearable.

Furthermore, I had once visited (out of curiousity as to how things stood for me) a top-notch surgeon who looked at the shape of the hernia, which falls forward even up high near my ribs (which has perplexed me for years -- I don't know how to reconcile the fact of organs "falling" upward or straight ahead, but no medical person has ever answered this for me).  The surgeon murmured, trailing off, "I don't think I could even repair this . . . "  He looked both mystified and troubled.

It was one of those hopeless-sounding encounters that I had to put in the back of my mind immediately, in order to maintain my equilibrium.  This was an office that I just wanted to leave.  Quickly.  (If ever I were able/willing to get these muscles repaired, I'd obviously have to seek out a different surgeon!)

So not only is it physically impossible for me to flatten this belly with any support device, myself -- but even a respected surgeon felt it was beyond his capability to do so with plastic surgery.

While the degree of protrusion of my hernia can recede with weight loss and treatment of underlying inflammation (this is the goal at present; some progress has been made), the essentially "pregnant" shape, however, will not change without successful surgery on the muscles.

How does does this topic intersect with this blog?  Very simply -- if I'd been having pregnancies and pregnancy losses throughout the time period of this blog, that would have given all of my physically descriptive posts a decidedly different background twist.  Frankly, it would have then been irresponsible of me not to mention a pregnancy, a pregnancy loss, or, as some people have been concerned about the possibility of, an abortion  -- which I flat-out do not believe in and would never, ever seek for myself.

I am happy to report that none of the above has been the case.

Therefore, if you glimpse anyone in a YouTube video with a reasonably normal-looking belly, you can be absolutely sure it isn't me.

It has been very important to me to get this message across.*  Thank you for reading this.

Cheers!

~ Daisies [old pen name for myself, Carolyn]


*Note added August 16, 2015:

The "anti-" labels below represent my own long-standing positions on each issue following the hyphens.    ~ Carolyn