One of Many

Hello, friends!

As I do my daily research for this blog, I'm increasingly astounded by the vast amount of highly valuable and accurate information multiplying on the Internet about chemical toxins and MCS.  In this way, I'm now "meeting" more and more of my MCS-afflicted brothers and sisters.  Your beautifully designed websites and blogs should, indeed, be read by all.  Not to mention the video documentaries of caring, highly educated experts and laymen in the field of environmental medicine and science!  I'm deeply moved by the honesty, energy, and dedication already being put into the cause of boosting chemical-injury awareness.  I'm honored to be able to add my one small voice to all of yours. 

Consequently, I've been cramming as much useful information as I possibly can into my sidebar and tabs.  I'm now learning how to incorporate hyperlinks into text and how best to make and shape a blog from the strictly technical end.  I'm also wrestling, at present, with one or two gadget glitches awaiting remediation.  I have much to learn.

But thanks to all of you MCS writers, experts, scientists, and filmmakers, I find I'm cringing inside a little bit less these days as I approach others to describe what chemicals I know I must avoid.  I'm realizing that I'm most definitely not alone in my chemical sensitivity.  The similar patterns of my reactions to chemicals and those of other MCS sufferers are becoming clear, familiar, and predictable.  Furthermore, I'm realizing that many of us MCS writers are gravitating toward the same experts and the same scientists as we search for ways to communicate to others the dangers of many common chemicals.

The subject of pesticides is particularly horrifying to me, especially in regard to children.  For all I know, pesticides could be a huge part of my own chemical-sensitization history.  Lawns, parks -- who knows?  I couldn't possibly trace it now.  Dryer vent emissions and lawn treatments really send me for a whirl; and these two contaminants often become very difficult to separate, in causality, when I'm walking through a typical suburban or more rural neighborhood.  I do recall, however, that some form of weed-killer made me suddenly very dizzy as I walked alongside trick-or-treaters one Halloween night (a man had been applying it as I walked by -- that was an easy thing to see, for once).  It was difficult to continue walking and I had to stop shortly thereafter.  Dryer-vent emissions have repeatedly given me serious chest pain, the type of pain that also accompanies a severe bout of supraventricular tachycardia -- a deepening, sickening ache that fills the entire chest cavity and can filter into the back.  It increases in scope and pressure if one doesn't remove oneself from the location, making one expect a heart attack at any moment.  It's almost impossible to continue walking with such mounting pressure within.

The more I read and view on the subject of chemical injury, the more I realize that what I'm learning is just the tip of a massive iceberg.  

The chemical-injury stories and backup data are just pouring in from all directions.  The most responsible thing we can do with this information is to take it, read it, and learn from it.  Now.  

Cheers!

~ Carolyn  

Still "Indomitable"

I've really got to do some excavating.  I've got to dig her up.  The old "me" with the toned, thin, and totally immune body.  I'm painfully aware that nobody can see her.  Nobody knows her at all in my present world.  This is frustrating beyond words. 

While people often urge me to stop thinking of myself as so vulnerable to toxins (see my post of March 5th, 2012), the funny thing is, I never think of myself as "vulnerable!"  This may seem even funnier, but I think of myself as "indomitable."  And do you know something?  I'm not going to quit that habit.  I really need it. 

Let me translate.  I'm not speaking here of some kind of overblown vanity or frank conceit.  I'm speaking from the more innocent perspective of my previously well self.  I'm speaking from the perspective of many, many people who have never been blindsided by bodily reactions that go beyond the pale.  They feel well.  They can't imagine feeling poorly.  They've never had headaches, let alone agonizing ones.  They don't know what people mean when they say a room "stinks" of stale smoke odors.  They're more likely to say (as I used to say), "What odors?"

I used to think people were being "picky" or "prissy" when they so much as mentioned annoying odors.  

And yes, I am capable of turning this around and appreciating how people must see me these days.  Deep sigh.  Very deep.  As the saying goes, "I hear you."

But to recap -- I do not think of myself as "vulnerable."  I do, however, think of toxins embedded in common products as very, very harmful:   "Know thy enemy." 

And knowing my enemy does not make me a wimp.

There is a huge difference between recognizing the extent to which pervasive toxins are intrinsically harmful, and thinking of oneself as "intrinsically vulnerable!"

The mere fact that these toxins are now so commonplace makes their scope all the wider, their vast influence all the more insidious.  Their staggering power in numbers -- when they finally manage to penetrate our bodies' best defenses -- is therefore all the more formidable.

I think of toxins as toxins:  harmful to everyone -- not just to me.  Some of us, however, have run through our body's natural defenses sooner than others.  If some of us had long-term chemical exposures, the chemicals ran through our defenses for us.  The body is strong, but too many chemicals are way, way stronger.  If some of us had brief but large and intense chemical exposures, those chemicals, likewise, ran through our defenses for us.  If some of us were overdosed with antibiotics as a child (per the "old thinking"), the antibiotics ran through our defenses for us.  If some of us were subjected to severe, prolonged stress and/or frank trauma, those factors ran through our defenses for us.  (Cerebral nerve pathways, scientists are now finding, can be altered through psychological trauma.)  If both chemical exposures and severe stress/trauma befell some of us, all the more quickly did these things strip our defenses.  If, in such a case, we happened also to have received a preponderance of antibiotics as children . . . . .

It all adds up.  The more biologically insulting factors at play, the more quickly the body's admittedly generous defenses are stripped. 

None of this, however, implies an innate "frailty" of constitution or additional "vulnerability" on the part of our persons.  (Nor does it imply any kind of "morbid fear" or "hysteria.")  But then, what about genetics?  OK, let's grant genetics its place.  Despite the role of genetics, however, many people's genetic predisposition isn't "tipped in the negative direction" for quite a while, if ever.  Something external pushes them over that balance.  And the less toxins (and trauma) circulating around us, the better.

Toxic damage can happen to anybody.  It's always a rude and unthinkable surprise.  It stretches one's mind to the absolute limit.

Readers, I do appreciate this.  Never, for a second, do I forget it.  And I'm going to hang onto that core of myself which remembers gliding through life donning my favorite perfume and a smile, sailing into crowds with nary a care.

That, my friends, is me.  I'm going to keep believing in miracles.  Someday -- I don't know how -- maybe there really will be a way around this nightmare.  Just because we don't see it yet doesn't mean it's not there.

So, CHEERS!!!!

~ Carolyn

Looking Forward to Hearing from You!

Hello, Friends!

I'd just like to take a moment to urge you to contribute your own comments to my blog -- and your own thoughts in reference to the articles/research pieces I've linked to that are most relevant to you, personally.  You don't need to "sign in" first or type out any letter code.  And there is no one "favored" subtopic here.  I did, however, put HOMELESSNESS in capital letters, up top, because so many of us MCS sufferers have already faced, are presently facing, or might face in the future the actual or potential reality of homelessness.

Also, if you support my effort, via this blog, to increase public awareness of the growing scourge of MCS, I ask you, please, to join this blog as a "Follower."

It would be very interesting to know what your own primary MCS triggering substances are, and what your own experience has been in your attempts to explain your MCS to others.

I am no medical specialist -- just a layperson suffering and coping for years with MCS.  Neither my own words nor my links are meant to replace the diagnosis, philosophy, advice, diet, treatment, or prescribed medications of anyone's doctor(s).  Nor do my links imply that I agree with every single idea of every single author to whom I link.  I am simply following a "general" line of informational relevance in each link I choose.

I provide, here, links to the best pieces I can both locate and link to successfully on the Web.  I choose them according to my own personal experience and observation -- which in the end must be termed largely "anecdotal."   Still, I believe there is a distinct "logic" to our individual MCS anecdotes and to our predictable systemic reactions.  I hope to bring these predictable patterns to the attention of scientific minds who can concretely pursue the more detailed questions these patterns raise.  May these logical patterns of MCS reactivity reveal themselves in my own writing, in your comments/stories, and in the links I can manage to provide.

Also, I wish to state that part of my job, as I see it, is to provide "apologetics" backup for those who are having difficulty getting the MCS message across to others in their midst.  The word "apologetics" does not mean "an apology" but rather the effort to defend, logically, a premise or cause.  I am attempting, therefore, to provide the best "defense" for the reality of MCS that I can.  Your own ideas for the apologetics of "explaining MCS" are most welcome!

Hoping to hear from you soon!  Cheers!  

~ Carolyn

Standing in the Doorway of the Laundromat

Laundry products.  They used to smell so good!

Today, the strongest laundry scents smell like some kind of vitriolic pepper spray to me -- invisible firecrackers of scent popping wildly in all directions upon even the most subtle movement of a clothed body, emitting a biting, burning sensation to my nose, and affecting me like a blow to the head.  I contrast this to the old days, when I would hold freshly washed cottons to my face and sniff!  I remember the gentle, powdery, motherly scent.  How I luxuriated in the world of smells I adored!

Ironically, I had to visit Paris to find the USA fragrances of my memory.  Paris was where they'd stored those sweet and lovely, "benign" scents of my youth!  How could this be?

Ah, better laundry-toxin regulations in Europe, that's how!

In France, I didn't have to shut the car doors and windows and seal the inner vents when parked in front of a laundromat.  In France, I could not only exit my car, but I could walk -- walk, I tell you! -- to the very doorway of the laundromat and chat with the people inside!  (I didn't venture in -- I was afraid the unbelievable experience would shatter.  I was profoundly happy not to have to duck for cover.)

I am aware of how positively ridiculous this may sound to those of you who have never had to flee from physically overpowering chemical scents.  But to those of you who know this routine:  I trust you'll understand the thrill I felt just standing there -- in the doorway of a laundromat.

Cheers!

~ Carolyn

MCS Denial

Good morning!

What discourages me most from writing are those intervening, demoralizing "down" days -- days spent recovering from an unavoidable exposure to the usual, so-called "harmless" chemicals on persons and clothing.  Although I cannot help the way my body feels at such times, those recovery days have become an embarrassment to me, a black mark on my efficiency, and, as the MCS-denying world sees it, a major strike against my credibility as a human being.

Being human and feeling massively outnumbered, I, too, start thinking this way, butting my head against the wall to "feel OK" in spite of the fact that my body is shouting at me:  "REST!  REST!"

I am pushing myself through that dread-filled embarrassment to write today.  Yesterday was spent in a stupor of exhaustion -- which I, in dutiful conformity with the MCS-denying population -- denied; and so I did not rest. 

I cannot tell you how many times I have capitulated to MCS denial.   Perhaps at some point in the development of this blog, this insane people-pleasing reflex will finally leave me to make way for the truth:  I did not cause the existence of these toxins that are slowly killing me, I did not choose to be disabled by them; and I cannot help it when my entire person feels their repugnant, systemically sickening effects.

Whoever out there is similarly afflicted, may we support each other with this very serious reminder.

If you have an MCS story to relate, please share it here!

And, cheers!

~ Carolyn

Welcome!

Thanks for stopping by!  This blog is for chemically sensitive people, those interested in learning about chemical sensitivity, and "green" enthusiasts everywhere.

Although Multiple Chemical Sensitivity (MCS) is a serious reality, I will keep this blog upbeat and ever-brimming with hopeful ideas and solutions along the way.

My strange and aversive journey into MCS began 20-something years ago with frequent exposure to secondhand cigarette smoke.  It gradually mushroomed over the years to embrace many other synthetic fragrances and substances -- synthetically scented and paraffin candles, natural gas, scented detergents, fabric softeners, air fresheners, mainstream household cleaners . . . . .

Just reciting the list gets me tired!  Not a very exciting pursuit.  There's so much more to think about and live for, don't you think?

But still, we MCS'ers must survive.  The problem is staring us in the face.  There is no escaping synthetic scents or cleaners in any public place. 

This blog, in the most optimistic way possible, will be dedicated to SURVIVAL in a chemical-laden world.

Cheers, for now!

~ Carolyn