Hello, Friends,
I'm going to address a subject head-on which, for me up until now, has been a mere tangent -- something I simply don't think about as I live my life. Due to a perceived need to address it in writing, however, I've recently attempted to do this in various ways elsewhere, but I want this post to be much more to the point.
For many years now, I've lived my life as a person with an accidental big belly. What do I mean by "an accidental big belly"? I refer to my large, pregnancy-related abdominal hernia (re: my first child), which was repaired loosely as opposed to tightly, specifically so that I'd be able to have more children afterwards. After experiencing an early miscarriage a few years later, I was then privileged to carry my next child to term; and the large hernia was no hazard, no impediment. I just had to wear some support. Big deal. That was nothing.
The whole thing is nothing to me, because along with it came the gift of my children. I write this post not because I care to write about my hernia, but because I've sensed the concern of others regarding my physical condition, perhaps having seen it in YouTube videos and thinking it to have been an actual pregnancy.
The hernia occurred somewhere between late pregnancy, labor, and/or the C-section delivery of my first child. The muscles overlaying the hernia, which is softball-sized in the middle of my belly, are widely separated and, technically speaking, in need of surgical repair. But that repair was deliberately held off to accommodate the childbearing years. If the muscles had been repaired as tightly as they would need to be, they would also have had to be shortened. This means that they could have ripped apart in a pregnancy; or they could have remained tight and prevented the womb from expanding, thereby endangering the baby.
Add to that the perils of anesthesia, the length of the repair surgery, and the fright of, "What will this look like after they repair it?" One never knows. I could easily see myself wishing I had my own stretched-out muscles back following some kind of surgical disaster. While I can muster up trust in the event of an absolutely necessary and inescapable surgery, I cannot do the same for a merely cosmetic surgery. If ever the repair became medically necessary, that would be a different scenario and I would have to face it. But it isn't that way now.
So I'm the lady with the big belly. When I gain weight, the "pregnancy" shape of my figure looks even "further along" -- perhaps even "overdue." I had terrible inflammation this past winter and spring, between thyroid trouble and then Lyme disease in the spring/summer. In addition, the inactivity of feeling sick contributed, at the same time, to weight gain. So I was huge. I was startled to see myself in photos, in videos.
So, fairly recently, it came to my realization that there are those who have seen me in video clips and become concerned, realizing that I looked very pregnant in the winter but apparently have had no new baby.
There was no new baby because there was never any baby at all. Whatever the YouTube videos have of me in them, none of them had a pregnant me in them. What I was seen to be "carrying," in the exact shape of a pregnancy, was the bulk of my internal organs sliding forward. There is no flattening them. The damage is too great to contain behind any kind of support garment. Support garments hurt and feel really weird on top of organs falling forward, all out of place. It's unbearable.
Furthermore, I had once visited (out of curiousity as to how things stood for me) a top-notch surgeon who looked at the shape of the hernia, which falls forward even up high near my ribs (which has perplexed me for years -- I don't know how to reconcile the fact of organs "falling" upward or straight ahead, but no medical person has ever answered this for me). The surgeon murmured, trailing off, "I don't think I could even repair this . . . " He looked both mystified and troubled.
It was one of those hopeless-sounding encounters that I had to put in the back of my mind immediately, in order to maintain my equilibrium. This was an office that I just wanted to leave. Quickly. (If ever I were able/willing to get these muscles repaired, I'd obviously have to seek out a different surgeon!)
So not only is it physically impossible for me to flatten this belly with any support device, myself -- but even a respected surgeon felt it was beyond his capability to do so with plastic surgery.
While the degree of protrusion of my hernia can recede with weight loss and treatment of underlying inflammation (this is the goal at present; some progress has been made), the essentially "pregnant" shape, however, will not change without successful surgery on the muscles.
How does does this topic intersect with this blog? Very simply -- if I'd been having pregnancies and pregnancy losses throughout the time period of this blog, that would have given all of my physically descriptive posts a decidedly different background twist. Frankly, it would have then been irresponsible of me not to mention a pregnancy, a pregnancy loss, or, as some people have been concerned about the possibility of, an abortion -- which I flat-out do not believe in and would never, ever seek for myself.
I am happy to report that none of the above has been the case.
Therefore, if you glimpse anyone in a YouTube video with a reasonably normal-looking belly, you can be absolutely sure it isn't me.
It has been very important to me to get this message across.* Thank you for reading this.
Cheers!
*Note added August 16, 2015:
The "anti-" labels below represent my own long-standing positions on each issue following the hyphens. ~ Carolyn
I'm going to address a subject head-on which, for me up until now, has been a mere tangent -- something I simply don't think about as I live my life. Due to a perceived need to address it in writing, however, I've recently attempted to do this in various ways elsewhere, but I want this post to be much more to the point.
For many years now, I've lived my life as a person with an accidental big belly. What do I mean by "an accidental big belly"? I refer to my large, pregnancy-related abdominal hernia (re: my first child), which was repaired loosely as opposed to tightly, specifically so that I'd be able to have more children afterwards. After experiencing an early miscarriage a few years later, I was then privileged to carry my next child to term; and the large hernia was no hazard, no impediment. I just had to wear some support. Big deal. That was nothing.
The whole thing is nothing to me, because along with it came the gift of my children. I write this post not because I care to write about my hernia, but because I've sensed the concern of others regarding my physical condition, perhaps having seen it in YouTube videos and thinking it to have been an actual pregnancy.
The hernia occurred somewhere between late pregnancy, labor, and/or the C-section delivery of my first child. The muscles overlaying the hernia, which is softball-sized in the middle of my belly, are widely separated and, technically speaking, in need of surgical repair. But that repair was deliberately held off to accommodate the childbearing years. If the muscles had been repaired as tightly as they would need to be, they would also have had to be shortened. This means that they could have ripped apart in a pregnancy; or they could have remained tight and prevented the womb from expanding, thereby endangering the baby.
Add to that the perils of anesthesia, the length of the repair surgery, and the fright of, "What will this look like after they repair it?" One never knows. I could easily see myself wishing I had my own stretched-out muscles back following some kind of surgical disaster. While I can muster up trust in the event of an absolutely necessary and inescapable surgery, I cannot do the same for a merely cosmetic surgery. If ever the repair became medically necessary, that would be a different scenario and I would have to face it. But it isn't that way now.
So I'm the lady with the big belly. When I gain weight, the "pregnancy" shape of my figure looks even "further along" -- perhaps even "overdue." I had terrible inflammation this past winter and spring, between thyroid trouble and then Lyme disease in the spring/summer. In addition, the inactivity of feeling sick contributed, at the same time, to weight gain. So I was huge. I was startled to see myself in photos, in videos.
So, fairly recently, it came to my realization that there are those who have seen me in video clips and become concerned, realizing that I looked very pregnant in the winter but apparently have had no new baby.
There was no new baby because there was never any baby at all. Whatever the YouTube videos have of me in them, none of them had a pregnant me in them. What I was seen to be "carrying," in the exact shape of a pregnancy, was the bulk of my internal organs sliding forward. There is no flattening them. The damage is too great to contain behind any kind of support garment. Support garments hurt and feel really weird on top of organs falling forward, all out of place. It's unbearable.
Furthermore, I had once visited (out of curiousity as to how things stood for me) a top-notch surgeon who looked at the shape of the hernia, which falls forward even up high near my ribs (which has perplexed me for years -- I don't know how to reconcile the fact of organs "falling" upward or straight ahead, but no medical person has ever answered this for me). The surgeon murmured, trailing off, "I don't think I could even repair this . . . " He looked both mystified and troubled.
It was one of those hopeless-sounding encounters that I had to put in the back of my mind immediately, in order to maintain my equilibrium. This was an office that I just wanted to leave. Quickly. (If ever I were able/willing to get these muscles repaired, I'd obviously have to seek out a different surgeon!)
So not only is it physically impossible for me to flatten this belly with any support device, myself -- but even a respected surgeon felt it was beyond his capability to do so with plastic surgery.
While the degree of protrusion of my hernia can recede with weight loss and treatment of underlying inflammation (this is the goal at present; some progress has been made), the essentially "pregnant" shape, however, will not change without successful surgery on the muscles.
How does does this topic intersect with this blog? Very simply -- if I'd been having pregnancies and pregnancy losses throughout the time period of this blog, that would have given all of my physically descriptive posts a decidedly different background twist. Frankly, it would have then been irresponsible of me not to mention a pregnancy, a pregnancy loss, or, as some people have been concerned about the possibility of, an abortion -- which I flat-out do not believe in and would never, ever seek for myself.
I am happy to report that none of the above has been the case.
Therefore, if you glimpse anyone in a YouTube video with a reasonably normal-looking belly, you can be absolutely sure it isn't me.
It has been very important to me to get this message across.* Thank you for reading this.
Cheers!
~ Daisies [old pen name for myself, Carolyn]
*Note added August 16, 2015:
The "anti-" labels below represent my own long-standing positions on each issue following the hyphens. ~ Carolyn
4 comments:
Really cool. I have had people think I was pregnant too and it is a strange experience when you are not. However being told to cut in line by strangers can be nice. :)
Thanks! It's now a way of life . . . :)
Saw your piece on the legend of the Shannon. Thanks so much for promoting the cause of saving the River Shannon! As a matter of professional protocol, I'm going to need public credit given back to my piece, "In the Millions: Wasted Litres, Wasted Euros" of August 6, 2013, which is printed on this blog and on my "Saving the River Shannon" blog. This version of Mr. Siney's piece, "Waste Not, Want Not" was reprinted by me with his permission. Thank you! ~ Daisies
I'd like to think that now you could find a medical professional somewhere who would be competent enough (and interested enough!) to take the trouble to understand what occurred and outline what can be done instead of just shaking his head - I'm sure that would encourage you to attempt a solution. You've certainly lived with this long enough!
To think of fixing it . . . terrifying and hopeful . . . can only approach the topic from a distance, little by little . . . poetry helps . . . commenting here helps . . . so full and tight around the ribs . . . scary. Just beginning to face it now/this year, as we discussed yesterday . . . But it's good to try to talk about it . . . write about it . . . not too much . . . just a little bit. Thanks.
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