If I'm truly honest with myself, I'm much more comfortable, in my writing here, with no salutation and no signature line. I'd prefer to jump right in and, when I'm done writing, just be done. So here we go:
When something happens to hurt me very badly, emotionally, I usually don't want to go back to the person who hurt me and say, "Look, this really hurt." I'd rather write about it in a nonpersonal way and send it out to the world on the next breeze, so to speak . . . keeping forgiveness in my heart without a lot of emotionalism and fuss. But -- and this is an important "but" -- I have to satisfactorily make my point when I speak of the hurt -- to whomever. Clarifying my point, or points, to myself and others -- this is a big thing with me. Because then, after I've worked it all out in this way, I'll have peace.
It was thus that I began this blog. I had so many points stored up from so many instances of being patronized, screamed at, flat-out disbelieved, avoided, and picked apart verbally over my chemical sensitivity . . . I had to make those points. I had to state them, once and for all. In my earliest pieces, I think I really did that.
The method worked. I realize there are probably hundreds of cogent points that one can make about the reality of chemical sensitivity; however, I believe I truly addressed the ones that meant the most to me, personally. I backed up my points with the numerous articles in the tabs up above.
On a cognitive level, this relaxed things. I no longer had that burning "edge" to state this or that in precisely this or that way to ensure maximum comprehension.
Then I got sick with Lyme and I had no cognitive "edge" at all. Things were over the top in a brand new way, with swollen legs and feet. I got the message loud and clear that something microbial was out to annihilate me.
Although the swelling has greatly lessened since the spring and summer, I still have it. My health feels pummeled. I get frequent whiffs of hopelessness -- and then I raise my head again.
Which is why it's so very strange that now, of all times, when I feel completely drained and utterly defeated in so many ways, my chemical sensitivity is still lessening to a noticeable degree.
I've wondered if, perhaps, the collection of herbal drops that I took steadily for a month or so for the Lyme actually chelated out some serious toxins that had been buried deep in my body. It was after those herbal treatments that the improvement in my chemical sensitivity really skyrocketed.
Or was it that the chemical sensitivity, itself, had been instigated by chronic Lyme?
I know one thing: My emotional tenor has not felt this low in decades. That puts theories of "So you lessened your chemical sensitivity with a more optimistic outlook!" to rest. I haven't felt optimistic at all. I've felt gloomy, horrible. I've felt completely unwanted as a writer, for one thing. I don't even know why I'm writing this. It's the equivalent of Eeyore grabbing pen and pad.
Perhaps writing this will turn out to have been "good for me" and -- this would be nice if only it could be so, which I doubt, but let's give it a chance -- for other people, too.
When something happens to hurt me very badly, emotionally, I usually don't want to go back to the person who hurt me and say, "Look, this really hurt." I'd rather write about it in a nonpersonal way and send it out to the world on the next breeze, so to speak . . . keeping forgiveness in my heart without a lot of emotionalism and fuss. But -- and this is an important "but" -- I have to satisfactorily make my point when I speak of the hurt -- to whomever. Clarifying my point, or points, to myself and others -- this is a big thing with me. Because then, after I've worked it all out in this way, I'll have peace.
It was thus that I began this blog. I had so many points stored up from so many instances of being patronized, screamed at, flat-out disbelieved, avoided, and picked apart verbally over my chemical sensitivity . . . I had to make those points. I had to state them, once and for all. In my earliest pieces, I think I really did that.
The method worked. I realize there are probably hundreds of cogent points that one can make about the reality of chemical sensitivity; however, I believe I truly addressed the ones that meant the most to me, personally. I backed up my points with the numerous articles in the tabs up above.
On a cognitive level, this relaxed things. I no longer had that burning "edge" to state this or that in precisely this or that way to ensure maximum comprehension.
Then I got sick with Lyme and I had no cognitive "edge" at all. Things were over the top in a brand new way, with swollen legs and feet. I got the message loud and clear that something microbial was out to annihilate me.
Although the swelling has greatly lessened since the spring and summer, I still have it. My health feels pummeled. I get frequent whiffs of hopelessness -- and then I raise my head again.
Which is why it's so very strange that now, of all times, when I feel completely drained and utterly defeated in so many ways, my chemical sensitivity is still lessening to a noticeable degree.
I've wondered if, perhaps, the collection of herbal drops that I took steadily for a month or so for the Lyme actually chelated out some serious toxins that had been buried deep in my body. It was after those herbal treatments that the improvement in my chemical sensitivity really skyrocketed.
Or was it that the chemical sensitivity, itself, had been instigated by chronic Lyme?
I know one thing: My emotional tenor has not felt this low in decades. That puts theories of "So you lessened your chemical sensitivity with a more optimistic outlook!" to rest. I haven't felt optimistic at all. I've felt gloomy, horrible. I've felt completely unwanted as a writer, for one thing. I don't even know why I'm writing this. It's the equivalent of Eeyore grabbing pen and pad.
Perhaps writing this will turn out to have been "good for me" and -- this would be nice if only it could be so, which I doubt, but let's give it a chance -- for other people, too.
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